Before you have kids, you think you know it all….

This is me – on top of the world – before I had a kid

Then you recreate life and realize you actually know nothing. I will be the first to tell you that, I believe my child will teach  me more than I could ever teach him. But before him, I was a “know it all” just like the rest of you were. We think the small amount of life experience we’ve packed into those short pre-baby years has taught us enough about surviving this gig.

All of us lucky enough to be picked for this job, are on a level playing field here. I know, hard to believe right? While you’re over there losing your marbles, you’re thinking the mom you saw at the grocery store with the cutest outfit, manicured nails and perfectly behaved child has it all together…

I’ll let you in on a little secret… Are you listening?…

This is me – being awesome at parenting

None of us know what we’re doing. Yupp, that’s right. I said it. No baby book or lecture from your grandma will prepare you for this journey. The mom at the grocery store? You caught her on a good day, or perhaps a good time of day. There are plenty of those… Don’t get me wrong. This  whole parenting thing is full of just as many joys as challenges but it will absolutely be the hardest job you will ever have. And, I repeat, you know nothing until you experience all the things you said you would never do or would never happen prior to bearing this child.

Things I said before I had kids:

1. “I’m never having kids” – Well the universe clearly had different plans for me… (and thank the moon & the stars it did)
2. “My kid will never act like that” – Well, we can throw that thought right out the window cause’ at some point he has & he will. You can step down from your high horse now…
3. “I won’t change” – I had no idea who the hell I was before I became a mum. Sure, that label doesn’t define me but it certainly molded me into the person I am meant to become. That little ray of sunshine pulling at my pant leg, believe it or not, he makes me a better me.
4. “My friends will understand” – So, you have those 1 or 2 people in your life thinking, ‘My friends are all getting married & having babies & I’m over here like, “pass the vodka.” God love em’ but they will not visit much & you won’t have anything in common anymore.
5. “I can’t wait to use my PTO on a family vacation!” – You  must be off your rocker cause’ as soon as your precious bundle of joy goes to daycare or plays with other kids, you will soon learn that you can kiss those PTO days goodbye to “sick days.”
6. “I’ll never want to share my baby” – Yeah, that lesson doesn’t take very long. Before you know it, you smell like you’ve been at “hippie fest” for 3 days & you’ll beg your mom to take the baby just so you can shower & take a nap.
7. “I’ll do so many fun things on maternity leave” – Then, I realized I basically didn’t leave my house for 2 months, spent all my free time “power pumping” & by the time I got the diaper bag packed, I was too exhausted to actually go anywhere…
8. “I’ll get my pre-baby body back” – I might break your heart on this one but unfortunately that just isn’t possible. You can’t put your hips back in the same place they were before & there is no magic cure for stretch marks. There’s a 50/50 chance you’ll drop a ton of weight if you breastfeed but you’ll tell yourself you can eat whatever you want because of that so, good luck…
9. “I’ll stick to my plan(s)…” – So, during those 9 months you were growing a baby you took notes and declared what would be most important to you. You may have included things like; He’ll only eat organic, I’ll teach him sign language & I’ll never lose my cool. You see, the only manual for parenting is the one you erase & re-write every day as those plans change…
10. “I was a good babysitter, I’m sure I’ll do fine” – I was scared as hell but deep down, I knew I had it in me. I remember babysitting my little cousin when he was just 2 months old & I was so nervous that I’d check on him every 5 minutes when he was sleeping just to make sure he was still breathing. A part of me kind of thought that was a perquisite to the “real thing.” Being a parent is nothing like being a babysitter. Babysitter get paid & go home. Do you get it now?

Let’s just recap what we’ve learned. You’re pretentious and naïve in your pre-baby life. Now, life is chock-full of hard lessons, very few friends & you might smell. Maybe you don’t have friends anymore because you might smell? Maybe that’s the problem…

With very little wisdom,

Vivianna