Exactly 8 days ago I spoke at a funeral service. That means, I lost someone that I loved & cared for so much that I had to speak about their incredibly short life to our/his friends & family. I couldn’t possibly find my own words to say so, I didn’t. I read wise words from others. I shared a piece in closing that was sent to me by a dear friend. The link she lead me to was labeled “He Was Grieving Over The Death Of His Best Friend, Until An Old Man Told Him THIS. Mind Blown.” If you’ve recently lost someone close, I highly recommend you read it.
Today, I began to understand what the old man in the story meant when he said, “As for grief, you’ll find it comes in waves.” Today a wave hit me. Today came with unexpected emotions. The kind that flow out of you like a burst water pipe. Without warning, without consent & unforgiving.
Emotions don’t care that you have a job or responsibilities… Or that you’re doing everything in your power to move forward…
When did our brains & hearts become so intertwined? Or not at all it seems? I’m confused because I told myself I’d be fine. It’s the truth, I will be… In time…
but today, I am not fine.
Today my heart aches. You can’t prepare for this kind of thing. You can’t prepare yourself for what comes next. You can’t prepare a response for all the people that are “sorry for your loss” and you sure as hell can’t prepare to have THAT conversation with your two year old… over and over again….
This is out of my control and I’m not fond of this feeling. Am I any less in control than I was 2 weeks ago? Probably not but, today I have all I can do to just FLOAT… I don’t know where the next wave will take me. The unknown, the “what if’s” swirling in my brain, the disorder of our lives at the moment, the new mile long to-do list…
The questions… As if I don’t have enough of my own, others are asking, too.
The fog is lifting, and I can see more clearly now. But do I want to? Am I ready to face this reality, head-on?
It’s like spaces of time have skipped on by. I want to be here. I want to be fully present again. I want to be thankful for all that I still have. I am blessed beyond measure & I do not take this for granted, you know.
I am human. I have many feelings. I feel guilt, regret, anger, sadness, confusion & ever-more, stress. I didn’t have this before. I’ll be honest, I sort of thought we “had it all figured out” for a while there… until the unthinkable happened.
I drift in & out of this new reality. Carefully & subconsciously at my own pace. I start to think about the future & I am excited & afraid at once. I am afraid that with the excitement of new adventures & joy will also come sadness & slowly slipping memories.
I know tomorrow will be better. I know that the waves won’t be quite as high or quite as rough, tomorrow…
Tonight, I will hold a piece of him just a little bit tighter & a little bit longer…
With Peace,
Vivianna
Viv, you are one of the strongest women I have ever known. The writing you referenced is probably the most meaningful statement of grief that I have ever read. Hang on tightly to the wonderful memories that you have and preserve them for your son. Wear your scars with pride; don’t ever wish for them to go away. They make you the wonderful person you are.
With love, Charlene
Scars are a testament to living & loving. Thanks Charlene. xoxo
Sending love and support….stay true.
Always. Thanks Erika. xoxo
Not an easy topic, but it helps to write about it. I just wrote about a similar sadness on my blog yesterday and was unsure of how it would be received. I’m glad to hear many people found this helpful in difficult times. Grief can last for years, and I find reading others’ experiences helps immensely.
Writing about it brings a bit of healing. Reading about other experiences & even re-reading my own writing gives me hope. It also grounds me in that we will be challenged by this grief as we go but I know we will continue to learn to navigate these waters. I am so glad you can relate & thank you for encouraging me to share more! <3
I’ve read that piece many times myself. I lost my grandmother the beginning of January. The waves are still high but they come less frequently.
I’m so glad you had that piece at a time when you needed it most, April. Just remember that you are not wading those waters alone. Sending light & love as you journey through your grief sister <3
I needed to read this post. It helps so much when people “get it.” The unexpected waves, the out of nowhere tears. It’s all just so hard. I don’t have wise advice, but I do know you reached someone today. I am grieving the sudden loss of my brother who passed in January. It’s just a crazy, hard journey. Hugs to you! (I am going read that article now too)
Kim, I’m so sorry to hear about your brother but you already know that as I’m sure you’ve heard it a million times (The condolences, although people mean well, can be overwhelming huh?) I hope you find some comfort in your memories of him & some connection to the “waves story”. Let me know what you think of it… XOXO
Beautifully said. Sending love and healing vibes your way. I know you said this an older post, but grief lives with us always and can never be forgotten so hugs to you on the journey.
You are absolutely correct. I brought this post back up for a few reasons; someone had asked me about the “waves story”, I needed to be reminded of how far we’ve come and it’s important to awknowledge that it simply develops over time… it never goes away. Thanks love <3
What raw honesty to bring others in on your feelings. Sometimes those emotions that come with such a loss are incomprehensible to others, but you’ve given a voice to them. Thanks for sharing.
I honestly hadn’t thought of it that way… I just need to get it out to start healing. Thank you so much for those kind words <3