It’s been crickets around here lately, I know… life. But I really want to share a story about my day a couple weeks back. I just sort of scribbled it out in a moment of distress but now I’m fairly confident it’s worth sharing because I’ve come to realize, I am so far from being alone in this season of life. I’m with you mamas.
So, this is where I’m at. Right alongside the millions of women who have walked this path before me, with me and ahead of me. We can all meet here. Sometimes, no matter how hard we try, it just doesn’t feel like enough. In these last weeks of pregnancy, I have found myself saying, “what am I doing wrong?” When it comes to my 3 year old and more often the thought pops into my head, “am I really cut out for this?!” With the onset of Braxton hicks contractions, sleepless nights & over zealous nesting, came a whirlwind of emotions boiling to the surface.
Sure, our timing has been off since day one. I know there is no perfect timing to life’s most beautiful gifts but beyond the basic nerves, arises a women who truly questions her ability at times to know, deep down, that this will all work out… you see, I don’t just want to know it will all be okay, I need to know that it will be MORE than okay. Is that too much to ask?
I need to know that we will get past this hard season and flourish… even if it takes a while to get there. I need to know that between digging deep for the patience, gentleness & love that my 3 year old so desperately needs from me, I will also be able to nurture a newborn. That somehow I will be able to balance the endless demands with patience & great care. I need to know that even when that’s simply not possible, I will have grace and enough strength to get back up and try again. As I replayed the drawn out conversation with my partner last night over in my head this morning, I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes. By the time I could pull my car over, I was a full blown ugly-crying, mess.
I started thinking to myself, “I’m crazy. I must be. Women do this without fret every day and here I am freaking out.” Here I am losing it all at the steering wheel. Creating all these reasons why it won’t work out & why our family won’t be happy enough. Welcome to Mum’s pity party…table for 1. I am in the midst of what feels like elected chaos. We chose this. We chose to raise a boy who though strong willed, deserves to be parented with firm yet gentle love. We chose to grow our family & bring new life into our home. We chose to do this together, even on the days when we lose our patience & don’t practice the kindness we so relentlessly try to teach. I made choices that left me standing smack dab in the middle of the muddiest rain storm today.
I know very well that what comes next is meant to change me… How could it not? I don’t know yet what that really means and it might be the fear of that vast unknown that’s really got me tied up. But when the clouds pass, and they eventually will, those same choices that opened the skies upon me, are going to be the very reason the sun shines so damn bright.
The sun always sets again and everything is as it should be. And I know, especially since it took me weeks to publish this, that somehow it is all okay. There are even days where it is MORE than okay. Remember that mamas.
You are so right!! I am so glad you shared this…. the sun def sets again… times will be hard, but there will be great moments that cause us to forget those hard moments.
Thank goodness, right?! <3
What really struck me here was when you said that women do this without fret every day… That is something I say to myself in my darkest moments, also. I think then, that maybe women don’t necessarily do it without fret every day… maybe they do it, while fretting! 🙂 I completely empathize with you in this post, as I have a 4-year-old boy and also a 3-month-old girl. Leading up to her birth, I questioned my ability to be equally loving to both of them. And now, in the thick of it, I absolutely have moments when my son probably feels less important. When I’m trying to get her to sleep, for example, and he comes in with some VERY urgent tale about Superman and Batman. Without really thinking, and because putting an infant to bed can be stressful, I shoo him out of the room. Oops. No good. So I try to make up for it later with extra cuddles. I think half of motherhood is hoping against hope that we aren’t messing them up too much. Good luck in this new phase… it’s great fun and a great deal of work at the same time. 🙂
Your perspective is so appreciated! Congrats to you!
I have one child and often wondered how parents of 2 or more do it. I think we just pull up our boot straps and carry on. Now that my child is an adult, I can say the things we as parents stress over when the kids are young, they don’t even remember being an issue.
I can only imagine that later in life, they will seem like such little things to have worried about… thanks for your insight!
A beautiful, raw piece, Vivianna. Confidence in Motherhood is not a destination, even four children in, it is something we have to work for every day. But in between those overwhelming, moments, are the beautiful ones that sustain us and our strength renews. I remember having so many emotions in the last legs of my pregnancies. I feel it’s a way our minds help prepare us for what lies ahead. And just has you made major adjustments to life for your first babe, you will figure this new transition out too. Love to you in your final weeks of pregnancy xo
You are so kind & offer such reassurance Sonya. <3
You WILL flourish and be more than ok mama! You´re doing a great job and I love following your journey. You´re awesome!!!
So many thanks for your support! <3
Thank you for sharing your raw thoughts and feelings! Welcome back to writing, too! 🙂
Thanks for reading, Jessica!
It is definitely going to be hard, but you will do it. It will wear you down, but you will rise to the challenge. It’s okay to be afraid, it means you will walk into this new phase with your eyes and your heart open.
Isn’t that the truth! <3
You sooooo will be okay. First, I’ll be saying a prayer for you tonight, no joke. Second, we were put here for this. This guilt, this unknown, this feeling of absolute fear after months of “preparing”. His grace is far more powerful than even we understand. The fact that you are having these emotions is proof my dear that you are soooo ready. Will there be hard days… Yes. Will
There be days that are overwhelming and you think to yourself why? Yes. But I promise this post is enough to prove you are ready for this love and sacrifice.
Ashley, I’m so sorry for the delayed response! Thank you so much for the prayer & encouraging words! <3