Some days motherhood is downright shitty.

And I’m not afraid to say it.

Today, I took P to the farm stand & grocery store with me so that my incredible partner could get some things done around the house. I knew very well that we were nearing nap time (if he’d even take one) but we seriously needed groceries & I had this pulling urge to help with the to-do list since I’ve been so useless & sick lately (STILL at 16 weeks pregnant and so sick & tired of being sick.)

We were in & out of the farm stand in a jiffy & off to the big grocery store… Things were going well I thought, until we were waiting in a crowd of people at the deli counter & they were going all out of order for who’s turn it was (not that I was counting or anything…)

P was getting squirmy & loud. The guy next to me told me he has a singing 2 year old at home & for a minute I thought we’d be alright but then I started to feel weak & light headed. They finally called my number & I quickly gave my order. I whispered to myself that “I am okay. We’ll make it through the store quickly & I’ll be fine.” I attempted to sit just to catch my breath but the cooler behind me proved to be a poor choice as it made cracking sounds when I leaned against it. By the time my order was ready, my vision was blurry & I thought for sure I was going down in front of all these people.

I squatted down & put my head between my knees, caught a deep breath, grabbed p & left our cart… He raced ahead of me as I had all I could do to get myself out of the store before I passed out or vomited – I’m not sure which would have been worse but that thought is relentlessly normal for me even in this second trimester…

I got ahold of his hand just before the sidewalk ended & led us to the car. All I could hear was “mumma why we leave our groceries. Mumma we need those groceries!” As I sucked down some cool water & began to cry… He continued to rummage through the car getting into anything he could.

A good 20 or so minutes went by before I convinced myself that I felt stable enough to go back in because truth is, the kid was right. We needed those groceries & I was praying that our cart would still be there so that we wouldn’t have to start over.

By this point the toddler was DONE. He wanted nothing to do with going back into the store so, I bribed him with a cookie. Problem is, there was no incentive to keep the naughty at bay after that very small cookie was long gone…

I saw a small light at the end of the tunnel when I realized our cart was in sight, right where we had desperately left it. I reassessed my list & was getting back on track but was finding it a bit challenging not to lose my cool as the kid was increasingly getting louder with his whines & moans.

And I lost it. Totally & unforgivingly yelled at him in front of a whole slew of onlookers and it sucked. I instantly felt the judgement of my own conscience as I realized what was happening before I could even stop the words from coming out of my mouth…

I stopped in the middle of the isle & asked him for a moment of silence. I was ready to plead –

“baby I am so sick. Mum really needs you to be a good boy & help me get the rest of our groceries, okay?! Okay?! Please?!”

We made it to the bottom of the list and only had to go back around for 3 forgotten items. Which led me to the flowers. I admired them for a moment before declaring, “yup I deserve some of those.” I decided that these flowers would be my own little gold star whether I made It through the check out line with my sanity intact or not…

Then, the pair at the checkout counter asked me how I was today? My response quickly & bluntly slipped out of my mouth.. “Surviving!”, I said. The sweet young lady bagging our groceries must have read it all over me. She began entertaining P while her partner tallied up our bill. “What’s your name?”, “how old are you?”, “do you like dinosaurs?!”….

God, it’s the little things. I seriously could’ve hugged her.

I hastily threw the bags in the back of the car & buckled P into his seat. I gave him a clear message that it was nap time when we got home. Of course he whined. But I peeked in the rear view as we were pulling out of the parking lot & he was already snoozin’ in the back seat.

Got home & cried about it some more which felt incredibly therapeutic.

And you know what? We survived.

We survived a shitty part of motherhood and I have a feeling we will survive the next time too.