To my First Born as we prepare to Welcome a new Baby. 

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My Sweet Pea,

I wandered into your room today. Not like I usually do to hurriedly pick up the toys on the floor or grab the laundry piling up in the corner. But quietly & slowly like I used to when I was impatiently waiting for you…
When you too, were just a tiny beating heart inside my belly. I used to wander into that tiny blue nursery I so proudly put together for you at our old home. I’d sit there folding & hanging miniature newborn clothes & rock in that heirloom rocking chair as I wondered what life would be like with you here…

And, now I know.

There’s still so much I’ve yet to learn but I do know that it’s messy & oh, so beautiful. I know that becoming your mum was the greatest gift I could have ever received. I now know that you will likely teach me more than I could ever teach you but even on the worst days, when I think I’m screwing it all up (and you do too) that I’m doing my best and ultimately that is enough for you.

I knew what it was like to feel scared & doubt my ability to care for you on my own. We breathed each other in during those cold & often sleepless nights of sharing a bed & boob. I never knew much about the whole co-sleeping trend but I went with it because selfishly I didn’t want to sleep alone… It wasn’t long before I learned to love again & trusted that you could too. We fell in love while watching you speed crawl & before we knew it, you took off running. You tried new foods & I didn’t make you spoon feed yourself for the longest time because we were always in a rush to not make a mess (I now know how ridiculous that was.) You showed us the true meaning of love when you learned the word “daddy” & we quickly realized that YOU had decided all on your own that the title belonged to not one but two very special men in your life.

I have been given the incredible honor of seeing the world through your big, curious eyes. How you navigate detours on a rock wall & quickly resolve problems on the playground. How you’ve begun to express the wide range of raw emotions you carry around. I have watched you become a doting big brother to sister who is no longer smaller than you, who you tell everyone is, “the sissy that grew in M’s belly!” An experience that has taught me so much about what it truly means to be a family, beautifully blended.

You have given so much meaning to my life. You made me a mum, someone I never thought I’d be. Something no one can ever take from you or I. You’ve made me hyper-sensitive & overly worried at times. You’ve made me so proud & happy beyond measure. You’ve made me second guess my choices & stand firm when it’d honestly be easier not to. You’ve made me pause & want to slow down time. You’ve made me appreciate the big & small things. You’ve made want to do it all over again…

So here I am.

Sitting in an heirloom rocking chair in your “big boy bedroom” crying my big ole’ pregnant eyes out. Thinking about how you are already the best big brother in the whole entire universe. About how disappointed you were the other day when I told you that we were moving the crib upstairs & you replied, “but mumma that’s for the baby, she’s gunna sleep with me.” Or when we caught you quietly practicing how to say her name {I know, your mum has a thing for strong & complicated names.}

I’m sitting here thinking about how much you will appear to have grown up simply because there will soon be a much smaller baby beside you. About how my heart will somehow grow to make room to love you both equally & as differently as you need.

This season has been tough.

You are growing & evolving so much these days. Sometimes I forget that all the hard stuff including, the yelling, whining & pulling need for independence are all part of that. All part of helping you become who you are meant to be. I can’t wait to watch how you grow as a brother.

But before then, just be my baby, okay?

Spare me those rare minutes when you lay your head on my belly or impatiently wait to feel the baby kick. Ask me a million more times why it’s raining or foggy so I can stumble over the proper response to all your big questions. Let me rock you & pull you in close as your arms wrap around my growing belly. Sing with me at the top of our lungs in the car or ask me to turn the music down so you can tell me make-believe stories about your day. Cusp my face in your hands as you sweet talk me into whatever it is that you want. Ask me to lay in bed with you for just one more minute or read just one more story…

I’m not sure how long any of these seasons last. No matter how difficult or easy, they always seem to go as quickly as they came. I’m not sure how long we have left to savor these things so, for now, just be my baby, okay? Because this season is fleeting on by…

All my love,

signed-your-mum

40 thoughts on “To my First Born as we prepare to Welcome a new Baby. ”

  2. Seriously Viv… I just can’t seem to pull myself together for this post. As we gear up to consider baby number 2, this just puts it all into perspective. What I am feeling now compared to what I will feel when I am as far along as you are. One thing I have and always will admire about you is your maturity. You have always been above your years. Here’s to that beautiful baby girl growing bigger and beautiful every single day. I hope she is as bold and brave as her incredible momma! Xoxo

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  12. Aahhh…I have a few tears!! I remember the feeling I had when my second daughter was almost here. My first two girls are 18 months apart…it was so hard for me to think about having another baby when my first was still my baby. How would I love them both the same? Alee has been my BFF for a year and a half and now we were adding another girl into our lives. Obviously pregnant hormones get the best of you sometimes!!! My girls are now 10 and 8 and still my BFFs!!! And we have baby girl #3 who is almost 2 and life is pretty amazing…minus that they just started fighting!! Gotta go…. <3

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  16. So sweet and tender. I never doubted that giving my son a sibling was a gift, even though that would divert some of my attention. It’s so beautiful when a family grows. Many blessing to you!

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  17. I literally just started crying in the middle of a café reading this.
    I remember going into my son’s room when I was pregnant, before he was born.
    Being a mum is everything and more than I ever expected.
    I’m not having a second for a while, but I’m saving this letter to read when I do.

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  20. This is so beautiful, i honestly dont know how i got to your page but iam so grateful i did. I cant stop crying pregnant tears (also my second pregnancy) !

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